We are all born with core needs when in a relationship and these are not “neediness” or gaps in our development. We won’t all place the same importance on every need, however without “enough” of every need, your relationship is likely to struggle in some way.
What we do know is that, where a need is important for you and is not being fulfilled and is also a need which wasn’t met in childhood, then you are likely to feel the loss more greatly than others. When your core needs are met your relationship will run smoothly and you will feel safe, valued and secure with each other.
To know you can be received with care, patience and sensitivity and without being attacked, judged, shamed, rejected or by the other withdrawing or shutting down.
DIFFERENCE (self -defining)
To be able to maintain your own identity and express yourself freely as in “no” or “I disagree”. To be able to say, “this is who I am” and to be both separate and come together in jointness.
Without having to ask, for you to know you have made an impact on the other. Both in a positive and negative ways. To get something back!
For the other person to make the move without having to be asked. Both in responding to the other and their own needs. To say how you feel, what you want and / or to comfort, support or approach the other.
To be able to express love and gratitude and have it received and acknowledged.
To be with someone who wants and can (or is willing to try to at least to) understand our suffering, distress and struggles without judging.
To be with someone we can respect and feel we can turn to and look up to and draw from when we need. – And to gain a sense of strength and encouragement and guidance if we feel lost.
To have someone value our hopes, dreams, fantasies and have someone who is curious about what we think or say.
To have someone who can value our emotions as a way of our being in the world.