16 ways to wreck your relationship

Attempt to control your partners behaviour to deal with a difficulty you have, and which is not connected to the relationship such as Anxiety, Fear: This will leave your partner feeling controlled and trapped and feeling they are losing their freedom.

Judge your partner instead of seeking to understand: When you do this, you are placing yourself above your partner and they are likely to feel they are being treated like a child and rebel against your concerns.

Agree just to keep the peace: When you do this you are building up resentments and you fail to get your needs met. Ultimately all these resentments come out as anger in the wrong way and at the wrong time and when this happens confuse your partner.

Mind reading: Do not expect your partner to mind read or think them not automatically knowing what you need without asking is a sign they don’t love you. You will feel hurt and withdraw and end up feeling bad about your relationship.

Assume: Do not assume what your partner means or why they are doing what they are doing. When you do this, you are likely to judge them as having negative motives and put yourself and them in a bad frame of mind.

Expect your partner to change: If you expect this, you will be waiting a very long time and keep yourself dissatisfied. Instead look to what it is that is missing in the relationship as this is what will meet your needs.

Insist on being right: When you insist on being right then it must be your partner has to be wrong and so you create a win-lose situation. Instead seek understanding and go for a solution.

Judge emotions: When you judge your partners emotions as valid or invalid, they will feel unseen and invalidated, and this can have terminal results. Instead seek to understand the impact of their emotions on them and be empathic to their struggle.

Threaten to leave when arguing: Each time you do this you throw a small part of the relationship away and leave the other feeling scared be honest. And it is usually the person who hears this that leaves in the end and not the person who makes the threat.

Respond in unsafe ways: When you become aggressive, shout, walk away or judge or shame your partner they will remain anxious, and this will come between you and the truth and finding answers to their concerns. When this happens too often your partner will stop trying and lose their warm feelings for you.

Cheat or lie: Do not think that cheating or lying is a solution to solve a problem. Either will bring about the opposite of what you want and may be terminal. Trust is very difficult to rebuild.

Think your happiness comes from them: When you do this you will always be unhappy. Look further afield and seek to understand what is at the root.

Make your partner your whole world: When you do this you are likely to put pressure on them to fill all your needs, all of the time and when they are unable or don’t wish to you may feel let down. Ensure you have a life of which your partner is part.

Fail to address problems to avoid confrontation: When you do this you become lonely with your problem, anxious because the problem and is likely to show up in your behaviour. Instead find a way to have difficult conversations safely.

Stay Angry or Scared: When you fail to solve either of these you are likely to lose any warm feelings you have for your partner. This is how the body protects itself.

Refuse to talk through a problem: This is very painful for your partner and likely to leave them with growing anger. Too much of this and they are likely to feel lonely and begin to doubt why they are in the relationship.